Olympic Events I'd Like to See...

Here we are, two-thirds through the long anticipated Beijing Olympics. It's amazing what a country will do in preparation for the games -- the venues they'll construct - The Birds Nest, The Giant Serta Mattress (the 'Water Cube' as it's being called is a pretty cool building -- but I see it from a distance and I wonder if they have a model with pillow top); and The Rowing Venue (do you realize what it took to build a canal in China, several thousand meters long, filled with clean, non-feces riddled water?). Truly remarkable.

So far I've enjoyed watching the wide variety of Olympic events. Sure, there have been controversies. Much has been made of the Chinese women's gymnastics team and the likely cheating by the Chinese in loading the team with twelve year old 'ringers' who can fly and flip and do all things gymnastics better than the young women who meet the age minimum of 16 years, established by some committee a few decades ago.

But aren't the Olympic games about allowing the absolute very best possible competitors in a particular discipline the chance to compete on a grand stage to win Olympic glory? The age limit was supposedly established to keep competitors safe, allowing children a chance to develop, limiting the pounding their bodies take and minimizing the pressures on their young psyches. So how many of these girls on any team do you think wait to start training until they're 14 years old and don't participate in highly pressurized preparations from the time they're 5, 6, or 7; and how many don't travel and compete in meet after meet after national and international meet? They all do this. Their sport requires it. There is no way to keep them safe from world class gymnastics, so I say let them compete, so long as they are good enough to do so.

While most events are exciting and entertaining there are some events that could be introduced or augmented which would spark additional interest. Yesterday, Stephanie Brown Trafton of the United States took the gold medal in Women's Discuss. Fantastic. Unexpected. On her first throw. She even surprised herself. But I think this event, which is skewed toward women of Hurculean stature, would be more interesting if rules included an actual track portion for this Track and Field event.

Like we all had to do when we were kids, when we accidentally threw our frisbee too far and it went over the Mitchell's fence-- we had to go get it. Frankly, these Big Bertha women have grown lazy, with half a dozen uniformed officials and gophers that collect their discs. Since we're so concerned about the health of the gymnastics girls, why shouldn't we care about these women, who as presently stands, are heart attacks in stretch pants waiting to happen? The new, health conscious discuss throw, would consist of a combination 'disc and dash' where they get points for distance, and also points for how quickly they can run and fetch the disc before throwing it again. There. We care about our athletes.

The Javelin throw could also use an enhancement. While presently there is little intrigue while the javelin is in flight, and when all is said and done, it most often ends with the Javelin hitting nothing of interest after its glorious flight. The new Javelin throw will have giant balloons covering the field, and depending on which balloon gets popped, the contestant will win a prize. Prizes could include: an Olympic Gold Medal! Regardless of how far the toss!; Fifty Thousand Tickets! which can be exchanged for a really cool Cops of Justice plastic handcuff and billy club set, or taffy!; or since we're in China, a Giant Stuffed Panda. For Real! (Okay... perhaps that's gone too far. That prize may set off an international PETA incident.)

And what's with Michael Phelps winning all of those swimming events? We need handicapped swimming. This event in no way is about people with disabilities. I am talking about creating a venue for swimming, where each of the lanes is filled not with water, but with viscous material of different thickness, with the best swimmers doing their strokes in the 'thicker' material. Perhaps Phelps would be swimming with a viscosity lane ranking of 4.7, while a weaker swimmer will be swimming with viscosity ranking 2.4. That might allow for any of us to qualify for the Olympic games with the chance to compete against the world's finest! But where, in China, do we suppose we could get water filled with viscous material?

That may be a bit of a stretch....

Hummingbirds Suck (at keeping secrets)...

Last year we got a hummingbird feeder. It wasn't just any hummin' bird feeder, it was The World's Greatest hummingbird feeder (at least that's what the company making this thing named it). It's really quite nondescript. It's a bottle that hangs upside down with a red base screwed to it that has six or eight holes in the base, along with a little perch rail that surrounds the red base. (Apparently, those hummingbird feeders that don't have the perch rail are very inconsiderate of the fact that hummingbirds are constantly... I mean CONSTANTLY flapping their tiny wings -- just watch them!) In fact, if you don't have The World's Greatest feeder like I do, you'll only be seeing these little birdies flap flap flapping. The perch rail gets them to shut up and sit for a whole few seconds while they suck.

So, as secret keeping goes, hummingbirds are absolutely *horrible* at keeping secrets. How do I know this- you might rhetorically ask? Well... I did just a tiny bit of searching online for hummingbird feeders (mostly to see how poorly all of the other 'non-worlds greatest feeders' might look) and to my surprise, there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of different designs, shapes, prices (Wow! $90 for a hummingbird feeder?!-- and for a feeder that's not the World's Greatest?! Yikes-- Some feeders are pricey). The sheer large number of hummingbird feeders available makes it absolutely clear to me that hummingbirds must be the world's worst secret keepers.

Think about it. A bottle. Hanging upside down, which I fill with a sugar water concoction and hang under the roof of my house, just outside my kitchen window gets noticed as interesting? By a bird? Some feeders try to replicate flowers. Others, like the world's greatest, don't even have to go there. No flowers, no designs. They just KNOW that hummingbird's can't keep secrets.

So here's how it must go. Bruce, the hummingbird, is hungry. He incredulously notices a clear bottle hanging outside my kitchen window. Bruce investigates. (He really digs the perch rail.) Bruce sits down and sucks and then flies away to work where he spends time as a light machine operator in HWU 248 (hummingbirds *obviously* can't operate heavy machinery, and those that are tired of sweat shop oppression have unionized. Bruce is part of Hummingbird Workers Union 248). Bruce, *dumb* Bruce, can't keep a secret about something that would clearly benefit him if he did (more juice for him). He immediately tells other humming birds at work about his SWEET FIND. This thing, not even a flower, has suckable stuff!

Just watch a feeder for a few minutes, and you'll see evidence of exactly what I'm talking about. Elliot decides to check out this thing that he heard Bruce all chirping and flapping his wings about. After getting lost and distracted by the beautiful flowers at the Hunsaker's, Elliot makes the proper turn into my back yard and finds the thing. To Bruce's utter dismay and shock, when he flits into my yard after a short 3 minutes on the job (union rules say no more than 3 consecutive minutes operating the machinery) he finds ELLIOT --eyeballs deep-- in the thing. Bruce is TICKED OFF and feels a mad desire to chase Elliot around the yard and away from the thing. THE THING that was *his* special find.

Well... guess what? Elliot tells Spencer, Lucy, Mike, and Reid Thornton Jr., even when it's in Elliot's best interest NOT to, and what ensues is nothing other than a hummingbird melee out back, with each bird claiming the thing as their own. Amusing? Yes. That's why there are so many hummingbird feeders. Pitiful and sad that secrets can't be kept? Sure. If you don't believe me, get a feeder and watch it out your window yourself.

Hummingbird's can't keep secrets.

The Fortunately, Unfortunately book....

When I was a kid, one of my favorite books was a picture book with a story line that put the reader through a series of fortunate and unfortunate circumstances. I can't remember how the book starts, but some of the finely written middle material includes the main 'character' (hard to call the guy a character, because really, what character development was there scene- hopping a dude through a bunch of circumstances, each with fortunate and unfortunate components?... but I digress)... so anyway, here's a stretch of the book's 'activity' that I remember: "...unfortunately, the plane's engine broke down. Fortunately, there was a parachute. Unfortunately, the parachute had a hole in it. Fortunately, there was a haystack. Unfortunately, there was a pitch fork in the haystack. Fortunately, he missed the pitch fork..."

Not to leave you hanging... I'm sure you now have to go buy the book... and not to ruin it for you either, but the dude ends up at a happy place in the end, after having broken through the end of a tunnel with a fireman's ax, and somehow finding himself at his own birthday party. Was this story induced by chemicals of some kind? Not sure. Hmmm... come to think of it, this author's writing style is just like my own! All over the place but with a happy ending!

So, the Olympic games have started. I love the Olympic games. Fortunately, we have television and can watch coverage in HD- A reasonable facsimile of being there. But unfortunately a... tape delay? I thought at least some of the games were coming to us LIVE --even while at trickier than usual hours for some people (for me, 8 AM Mountain I'm expecting to see the US Men's basketball team play China) - I made sure I was up to see MY team play in the biggest viewership draw of any basketball game in history. What? I have to wait until 9 AM to see a game I know started at 8 AM?

Doesn't NBC think those of us in the Mountain and Pacific Time zones care to see some of the games live? Perhaps we should all simply DVR the entire broadcast. Blitz through ALL of the commercials which their advertisers have paid top dollar for, and see our tape delayed events on our own schedule altogether.

Unfortunately, there's the internet... telling us all top results and ruining our tape delay broadcast. Fortunately, there's the internet, allow us to take in live streaming video of events as they occur, if we want to. Unfortunately, sitting in front of my computer monitor is not quite as comfy as lying on the couch. Fortunately, regardless of when I actually take in the events, if I don't peek at the internet, it's "live to me!" Unfortunately, knowing it's not live, makes my good Karma, energy focusing, cheering that I just KNOW aides the athletes... moot. "Go Michael Phelps!!!" I say... cheering him on... while actually he's getting a massage at that very time?

Don't know the answer. Far be it from me to control the NBC broadcasts.

I got up to watch the USA/China basketball game. Unfortunately, it wasn't on yet. Fortunately, it gave me an hour to write my blog...

Amazing! The Power of Journalism...!

Could it be? Could it be that my Hurculean effort in exposing the flaws with the Manly Man Candle Company caused them to take a corporate shift and DO what they SAY they do, all within 24 hours of my blog posting?

Naturally, I'll claim any positive influence in the world that I can....

However, what I've learned is that the folks over at Manly Man Candle Company don't know good internet marketing, nor how to take advantage of being a hot news item.

Today YAHOO posted a similar story to the ABC News piece I quoted yesterday. What I've learned after seeing the YAHOO story, and doing some additional research online, is that manlymancandlecompany.com (the site I spoke disparagingly of in my post yesterday for not fulfilling its promise) is the original company site, while the site that is getting all of the publicity is buymandles.com.

Having spent the last 4 years in the internet marketing space (yes... that's my day job), let me explain to you how simple it would have been for Manly Man Candle Company to take advantage of their recent publicity. All they would have had to do is create (hold onto your thinking caps now...) something called a redirect which would automatically cause anyone who finds the manlymancandlecompany site to land on the buymandles site, without even seeing the outdated site. Genius? Or "Gee... where do I want people to land? Ah HA! How about the place they can BUY the stuff that's being talked about in the news?"

The good news is that the great promise I spoke of in my post of yesterday seems to have been fulfilled on the buymandles site, with the company selling fine scents like Chuck Norris Sweat, Peel Out, Bait Shop, Hardware Store, Grillin' Out, Bowling Alley, and Urinal Deodorizer.

Now you know where to go for your early online Christmas shopping!

Smell it like it is... Manly Candles?

ABC News recently reported on a new aroma therapy product called Mandles. (Okay, I confess... they didn't call it 'aroma therapy' but they did say women have plenty of options when selecting candles to burn while taking a nice, relaxing bath....) Now, apparently MEN have some masculine options when the urge comes to, uh... light up a candle and relax in the bath?

Well, whatever their use, apparently new options now exist for those of us with 'outdoor plumbing.' Try as you may, you won't get me to admit to hunkering down in the tub and lighting up the relaxing scent Wet Dog to finish off a stressful day. But according to ABC News reports, smells like Hardware Store, Wet Dog, and Musty Locker Room are now available through a company called Manly Man Candles.

Being the highly paid investigative reporter that I am, I felt it my duty to research this further. After all, you can't believe everything you see on the news, can you? How much of what was reported was a fantastic exaggeration, and how much of it credible news story? Well... read on, my friend, read on.

My first investigative thoughts were to go to the Small Business Association to validate the company (I figured this company couldn't be huge... not yet anyway). But then I realized I don't think there is any such organization officially called the Small Business Association... so that was a foiled, imperfect thought. A trip to the library yielded nothing but sore thumbs while opening and shutting card catalogue drawers for an hour. Okay... I admit. I didn't do any of those things. I googled them, and Google bragged that the results were returned in 0.17 seconds. (So much for billing by the hour for my investigative research.)

To my dismay, Manly Man Candle Company - at least on their very own web site (which one would assume is an authoritative source)- did not offer ANY of the 3 scents mentioned in the news story. No Wet Dog, no Hardware Store or Musty Locker Room. And further disappointing to me, here are some of the scents they do offer for purchase on their site: Irish Springtime, Cedar Forest, Alpine, and Pina Colada. Shocking, ground-breaking, manly scents? This, to me, was like walking into a gag gifts and novelty store and finding things like fully functional toilet paper, light bulbs that work, good tasting chewing gum.

That's not to say that they didn't have some of what makes up their creative, unique promise, to those of us looking for a shining light in the dingy world of creative gifts. They do offer a scent called Yardwork, which purportedly smells like fresh cut grass. But it seems like rather than creating suspect or questionable odors (that's what we're really looking for here, is it not?) that what they've done is attach a few creative names to otherwise pleasant smells. Grandma's Cooking (hmmm. smells like fresh baked apple pie), Clean Laundry (smells like fresh cleaned laundry), Coffee Shop, their most popular candle to date - smells like coffee. Lots of people like the smell of coffee.

If and when they do ever offer Wet Dog, Hardware Store, and Musty Locker Room I think they may be on to something. Otherwise, they're simply another candle store looking to peddle the common scents.

You want to laugh? Brush your teeth....

If you are like me, and are always chasing a good chuckle, I highly recommend brushing your teeth. But there is a catch. You have to brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand (in case you don't know what that is, I'll phrase it another way-- use the hand you don't normally use, Einstein).

A few problems will become immediately apparent: 1) laughing while brushing your teeth is much better at serving the laugh than the brushing; 2) the simple routine of teeth brushing, programmed into your schema for years and years, was disconnected for your 'off' hand. You may not know where to begin.

Naturally, this challenge got me to thinking what else I might try with my non-dominant hand and have a number of other things to put on my list.

When I'm feeling dare-devil-ish, I may try shaving with my Gillette Fusion! Five blades! All poorly controlled on my face and head! Sounds great! (I'm a Mr. Clean type, so shave my head as well, but may risk a new name - Nick -- if I do that). Perhaps someone who reads this blog could try it first and let me know how it goes... Then again, I wouldn't want to be responsible for what may happen.

Also challenging, for those of you like me who wear contact lenses, guide those thin plastic 20/20 providers very carefully... You could shoot your eye out, son....

Spend a week waving to everyone with your 'off' hand. Focus... Focus... you will undoubtedly forget. It doesn't look or feel that strange, but it's sort of a battle of wills with yourself. Who will win?

Sign your name for a week with the forgotten hand. Even though the signature will look horrible for the first 6 days, you'll still be able to cash checks (I think.... Don't come running to me for reimbursement when your birthday check from Aunt Lucinda is not honored due to attempted forging on your part.)

Unlock all doors with your 'off' hand. Once you do this, you'll have some mad skilz! (Less impressive is those of you with keyless entry to your post 1990 autos claiming victory on this one. Just because you are rich and don't use keys, use the metal and try seeing the world like us po' folk for once... sheesh!)

In sum... this costs virtually nothing to do, and is seriously quite funny. Let me know what laughter successes you have with this theme!

Judge rules girl's name unfit? Parents naming a band, perhaps...

News reports today disclosed that a judge in New Zealand took custody of a child involved in a heated child custody battle. As part of this action the judge changed this girl's name to something that was less problematic than 'Talula Does The Hula'. The judge ruled that this name unneccessarily handicaps the child from a social standpoint. While this name, if used in its entirety, all of the time, does raise some eyebrows, it would seem that Talula (trucated properly) is a nice name. 'Does The Hula' would be a super cool thing to pull out at a college sorority soiree. While the name the judge assigned to the girl was not disclosed, my hope is that the judge would have simply 'officially' truncated the name to Talula -- leaving the parents of the child at least some influence in the name of their offspring-- as lacking in common sense as they may be.

However poor this name may have been, I can tell that these parents may be serious contenders in the "Let's Make Band Names" contests that rear their creative head in various light minded discussions at frat houses, bars, and with the back row crowd during church sermons weekly. IF I had ever been part of any of these group discussions, here are some names which may have competed for top honors (I only ask a nominal fee if any of my names are co-opted):

Tulula Does The Hula (no... wait... that's the name of the girl in the story... nevermind) However, I guarantee I'd go see them in concert.

Croonchy Stars, Blue Diamonds
I like this one because it brings back fond memories of Saturday morning cartoon watching, and the constant barrage of mesmerising cereal commericals.

The Waverly Willies
I have a cousin who tells me that, "good band names always include the word 'The'" so to his point, I think this name is as good as any. Perhaps a Ska band will take this one on. I think they should focus on eerie ska tunes. Being Ska, their essence will of course be light and bouncy.

Roadrash
Naturally, a band who would appeal to many spandex clad road bikers.

Red Light Runner
This name is befitting a heavy metal or speed metal band. Risking it all. Always on the edge. Ready to take flight into the eternities by any superfluous, ill thought out action. Cool. If you like this kind of music, you'll like Red Light Runner.

The The The (pronouced The THE The)
See 'The Waverly Willies'

Guttin' Trout
Takes a slight turn from the typical Let's Name Bands discussion, which include almost exclusively 'Rock' or 'Pop' bands, and allows folks in the country music genre to join the game. However, it almost sounds a little bit Germanic if said quickly, which would not sell well in Europe, as the Germanic country music segment, very narrow to start with, has been on the down turn of late.

As you may know, this game has no end. New names bubble up every day. It's a great way to pass the time and keep the ole noggin' churning. I'm just not sure we should use or pull out this skill when naming our children. However, before we judge the parents of Talula to be completely off their rocker, I think we should see if their naming was a 'One Hit Wonder' or if any of their other children have been creatively named as well. I guess this begs the question "were they smart enough to reproduce again?" Not sure. There is no mention of other offspring. No Get Me a Fork Pleases or Ouch That Hurtses.

Ha! Or put differently.... Ha ha!

Postings here will be left to your imagination as to their truth. Some are unequivocally true, while others are utterly non-sense, while still others are mixtures of fact and fiction -- in all cases humor, or at least the DNA of humor, will be present in each posting. Enjoy!