World Record Meant to be Broken... Fingernails...

A story in today's Salt Lake Tribune informed us that a car accident brought to end a world record owned by a fellow Utahn: World's Longest Fingernails. Lee Redmond evidently lost her clippers in 1979 somewhere in her couch while listening to 'Sad Eyes' by Robert John, and made a determination that she was never going to clip again. (Okay, I made up that part. But it was 1979 when she stopped clipping her nails, and it was 1979 when Robert John had his #1 soft hit, so there is a slight possibility this could have occurred.)

And what happens if you never clip again? Well, my friends, seeing how your fingernails know nothing but growing- and keep doing so even after you die - not surprisingly her nails kept growing. Fingernails grow at a rate of about 3.7 cm/year. If you need help understanding how much that is because you never learned the Metric system, or the Dewey Decimal System, it's about the distance between the carton of eggs and the quarter block of mild cheddar cheese on the second shelf of my fridge right now. I just checked. So, with 30 years of growth- at this rate when you add it all up- it's clear her nails were pretty long.

There are a few instinctive thoughts that came to my mind when I read this story. I don't wish ill will on anyone, so I was happy to hear that she survived the accident. However, it turns out she could have really been hurt. She was thrown from the car. Apparently, clicking a seat belt with 88.9 cm long fingernails is difficult, or difficult enough that she didn't do it yesterday. Also, what a fantastic landing that must have been. Unless we aren't getting the full and accurate information, she evidently broke ALL of her fingernails. ALL of them in one unpracticed landing. Not one licorice rope-length beauty survived? How disappointing. This is incredulous to me. What are the odds of that? Something like, 847 to 1? But then again, perhaps fingernails, when they get longer than nature intended them, they turn brittle -- like blown glass. She obviously hasn't recently been to Madge and soaked accidentally in Palm Olive to soften up those over extended Freddy Krugers. Or maybe what really happened is that most of them broke, and then she or the authorities, or someone, decided they'd clip the remaining one or two nails. After all, they wouldn't want her to look like a freak.

Think about the freedoms and new experiences she will now enjoy! Caressing her grand daughter's cheek without eliciting tears - and while in the same room! Hand picking her own plate of food next time she goes to Golden Corral! Safely raising her arms above her head, even though kinda against the rules, while riding the white roller coaster at Lagoon! Going to a spook alley during Halloween, and having the spooks scare her! Engaging in a satisfying round of personal nasal mining! Using a debit card at the grocery store! And actually being able to vote with our new 'leave your print' voting machines.

Yes, on one hand this was an unfortunate end to a long and standing record, but clearly we need to be looking at the silver lining beneath her broken record. If you ever see her on the street, you can now be unafraid to give her a high five and wish her well with her new freedoms and life.